Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

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I lurve Hellboy. I just want to hug him and squeeze him and tell him he doesn’t have to be the apocalyptic destruction of the universe if he doesn’t want to, I don’t care what that nasty baba yaga says. Josh, Keli and I headed out to Southside Works to check out the second movie yesterday. I have to say I went into this one with some reservations because of the trailer and, well… I’ll get there in a second.

To start out, we’re introduced to a legend via a 1940’s era Professor Bruttenholm bedtime story to a young Hellboy: long ago there was a war between humans and magical creatures (fairies, trolls, etc). The humans were winning by a landslide. In an effort to change the outcome of the war, the Elf King Balor has the trolls construct the Golden Army, 4,900 strong and indestructible. This new army annihilates the humans, without remorse or mercy. The King, horrified at what he has allowed, forges a truce with the humans — they will keep to their cities, and the magic creatures shall have the forests. The Golden Army is hidden away, and the crown that controls it is broken apart.

Fast forward a few hundred years. Hellboy and the rest of the BPRD (that’s the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense) are called to the scene of an artifact auction gone horribly wrong — the place is nearly destroyed and there’s no sign of the 70-some guests that signed in. After a few devoured agents, toasted tooth-fairies and general mayhem, things get interesting. Word on the street is that Nuada, King Balor’s son from way-back-when is still miffed about daddy’s truce and has decided to reassemble the crown, track down the hidden Golden Army and destroy all of humanity with it.

But don’t worry. The BPRD’s on the job.

The movie is definitely worth seeing. Casting is perfect, save Abe’s voicing. Effects are excellent. The writing’s good — Mike Mignola, Hellboy’s creator, and Guillermo del Toro, the director, did a nice job. Costumes, choreography, animation, all that good stuff: great. Nuada does a bunch of crazy fighting stuff, even if he does back flips to do the job two steps backwards would do; and it’s weighted well enough (I hate obvious wire work). The creatures were righteous. The tooth-fairies were in classic Mignola fashion, and I enjoyed the Elemental and the tumor-baby. And this dude? Awesome.

And here’s the part where I become the picky, snobby fangirl.

It was too fantasy for me.

What’s that, Rachel? Don’t you write fantasy novels? That’s kind of hypocritical, don’t you think?

Okay, okay, but here’s the thing. Hellboy is horror. Horror. True, the stories are often based in various world mythologies and folklore; but this was too Lord of the Rings in present day New York starring Hellboy for my tastes. Blet. Even subtracting the heavy fantasy element, the dialog didn’t have the punch of the first one. I should have pooped my pants in awe when the Ruins Rock Dude sat up, but I didn’t. I wouldn’t have wished for another fight with Sammael, but the first movie had a gritty urban aspect that made me forgive it for its minor shortcomings. This one… there’s not as much of a buffer.

And to round out my griping: the young Hellboy? I commend the kid for trying through the prosthetics, but c’mon. And I’ll reiterate how much I missed David Hyde Pierce as Abe. Doug Jones did a fine job, but ever since hearing Pierce, his is the only voice I can attach to Abe… when I read the comics, it’s him I hear in my head.

Now. All that being said, I did enjoy it. Really. I promise. It just fell a little short of my hopes and dreams, which were probably too stupid super high to start out with. Usually when I see book-to-movie translations, I can separate the two stories, but I think I was too close to the source material on this one. Ultimately, it was still written by Mignola and had the guy’s creative force all over, so it definitely gets a thumbs up. This means yes, I will buy the extended DVD box-set of the movie… and I’ll worship it because that’s what fangirls DO.

“You’re in love. Have a beer.”

“Oh no. My body is a temple.”

“Yeah? Well, now it’s an amusement park.”

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